Thou shalt not run thy hand along the bottles of vegetable oil, for this will knock them, yea it will knock them upon the firmament and great shall be the wrath of She Who Must Be Obeyed.
Thou shalt not reach behind thee and lift the shampoo to dash it upon the cilantro, for lo, this shall crush the cilantro ere its time. Yeah, and the shampoo shall also smash the bread, the bread which thou wast commanded not to smash, for it maketh the sandwiches funny shaped all the week long, even unto the Sabbath.
Thou shalt not open and shut every freezer door thou passest, though they have all the handles of Babylon. For such are unclean.
Thou mayest not select unto thyself any candy thou seest in the bulk section. Nay, thou must decide upon none save it be that which art approved by thy mother, and thou must fast therefrom until thou has payed the uttermost farthing. For lo, such candy is predicated upon thy obedience to the commandments, and if thou transgressest, she shall eat them before thy face, even thy wailing face, and thou shalt not taste any thereof.
Thou mayest not have a new toothbrush save it be in times of dental famine, for thy mother hath provided unto thee a multitude of toothbrushes already, and canst thou ask more of thy mother? Nay, thou weariest her with thy pleadings and they are as seeds upon a stony ground.
If thou pushest upon the button that advanceth the belt, thou shalt be smitten. Yea, thy mother's all-seeing eye hath perceived thy transgression. She knoweth thy heart and hath seen thine intent as thou movest ever closer to the forbidden button. Touch thou not, for thou art not ready for power such as this, and great shall be the destruction of the sandwich bread. Dost thou remember the weird sandwiches of last week? O then, my son, remember, remember, and touch not.
Thou hast touched the button again. O how oft would I have showered thee with blessings from the bulk candy bin. Thy mother's hand is ever ready to pour forth small chocolate balls on he who will but hearken and obey, but thou couldst not. And lo, thou hast lost thy treat and thy pleadings shall avail thee naught.
Behold, the promised land. If thou endure well the unloading of the groceries thou shalt delight thyself in fatness, for the pizza overfloweth with sauce and cheese, and thy grandmother standeth ready to bestow upon thee the cookies of butterscotch if thou wilt but observe the small and simple things thou has been asked to do. Yea, remain thou in thy seat and touch not the gum, for that is thy mother's and it is forbidden unto thee.
Open thou not thy mouth to lie unto thy mother, for she seeth thy jaws and smelleth thy breath and thou hast touched that which was unclean. Yea, thou has gathered a Mento Gum from the floor and hast partaken. Remember thou not that thy hair was shorn but two days ago for gum therein? Canst thou not feel the chunk that is yet ensnared? But thou couldst not hearken. Spit thou thy gum into thy mother's hand and tarry not, for great is her wrath. Remain thou in thy seat and touch not of thy mother's gum, for it is how she copeth.
Thou hast again partaken of the gum. Thy repentance was false and thy promises vanity. Thou shalt lose the gum, and shalt likewise lose the pizza and the cookies, for such are given only unto the righteous and thou hast procrastinated the day of thy repentance until it is everlastingly too late. Thou shalt live on cereal and of cookies shalt thou have none.
Conceal thyself not in thy room with the box of Cheezits, for thou knowest it is forbidden, and thy all-seeing mother hath not been fooled. Great is her wrath.
Draw not upon thy walls, for it is forbidden. Knowest thou not that this is the home of thy Mother and no unclean thing can dwell with Mom? But thou hast defiled thy room, and hast made upon it graven images and befouled her resting place with idolatry. Though she cleanseth the outward appearance, the stain remaineth on thy soul.
Didst thou again draw upon the wall the moment thy mother hath left the room? Hast thou concealed from her a pen, when pens were gathered unto her? Give ye therefore all thy pens into the storehouse and keep thou not unto thyself, for such shall bear but bitter fruit. Knowest thou not that thy mother shall give unto you pens at the appointed time? Therefore hide not thy pen but walk in openness and defile not thy wall, for thy mother hath had her fill of motherhood.
And thus it is.
Amen
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