How to describe yourself professionally

Years ago (though so few are the entries in this blog it scarcely signifies) I presented my dear readers (all two of you) with a quiz, enabling you to discover whether you are living in 1813 or in a Regency Romance novel.  Today I offer you a new opportunity for self reflection.  If modesty has hitherto forbidden any awareness of your unclad form, I invite you now to indulge in the harlotry of an ungarbed shower followed by a sidelong glance into a mirror.  This may help you ascertaining whether you are heroine material for a steamy romance.

What color would best describe your breast skin tone?

a) Creamy   b) like liquid chocolate    c) mottled because it is cold and in real life "creamy" skin shows veins people.

Key: a) possibly a heroine   b) possibly a heroine, but few people have read your book because the library doesn't stock books by or about non-white women, as this constitutes a "niche" interest.  c) human being

The texture of your breasts is:

a) firm, high mounds.  You describe them as mounds in your inner monologue, or at least your swain clearly does as he overtly leers in a dimly lit garden to which he has lured you.

b) Crusty and defeated

c) scarred and wilted

Key: a) possibly a heroine b) real person, see a doctor immediately  c) real person

If I were to describe my nipples' attitude it would be:

a) pert

b) coy

c) eager

d) present

Key: a-c: heroine d: real person

In a chilly garden with your swain wearing naught but a muslin dress your hussy of a stepmother damped to try to allure men your nipples are:

a) cold

b) thrusting

c) eager

d) impatient

Key: a) you're a real person   b-d) you're a heroine but you should still get that situation checked out as it is only a matter of time before they rebel and make a break for it, and not just from your bodice.

You may not be able to lick your own chest, but your upper arm probably tastes about the same.  What does your skin taste like?

a) honey

b) violets, lavender, roses, and a hint of lemon

c) Dove body wash

d) salty and sweaty

Key: a) You're in a novel, but I'd watch out for bees and ants if I were you.  And bears. b) You're in a novel because your suitor, while busy compromising you to force you into a marriage you have hitherto firmly resisted, still has time to mentally parse the ingredients of your perfume. c) present day.  d) difficult to tell.  You may be in the present day.  You may authentically be in 1813.  Or you may be in a romance novel if, in addition to salty, you also taste indescribably feminine, sweet, delicious, and just a little like jasmine.  Romance novel sweat isn't like regular sweat.  It's attractive.

The truth is that there's no real fun in accurately describing your chest as wizened, hag-like and shriveled by decades of neglect.  But it can also be difficult to properly mine a thesaurus to describe yourself in a sufficiently romantic yet improbable and inscrutable way.  This is where I come in.  Use this helpful guide to create an adequate description of your enbonpoint that you can casually slip into conversation or put on your resume right under your head shot.

Try to make your decision on each category before reading the significance.  I avoided the traditional "birth month" etc. as this is a transparent attempt to steal your identity.

To determine appearance/texture choose from the following: my favorite month is...

January: Succulent

February: Flocculent

March: Buoyant

April: Lustrous

May: Vernal

June: Spry

July: Limpid

August: Heaving

September: Unyielding

October: Conspicuous

November: Mighty

December: Infundibular

To determine attitude choose from the following: My favorite color is

Peach: Impudent

Crimson: Bold

Pink: Impertinent

Mauve: Coy

Orange: Insouciant

Yellow: Languid

Violet: Petulant

Green: Insolent

Aqua: Simpering

Blue: Agile

Purple: Gregarious

Indigo: Audacious

Russet: Impatient

Silver: Assertive

Gold: Intrepid

Bronze: Ambitious

Black : Unrestrained

White: Earnest

To determine flavor select from the following: I love the fashion of the:

1770s (think Hamilton, Marie Antoinette):  You taste like cane sugar and beeswax

1810s (think Pride and Prejudice): You taste like marzipan and horses

1840s (think Jane Eyre): You taste like a rainy day in June

1900s (think A Room With A View): You taste like the salty sand on your tongue after a scandalous plunge into the Aegean sea with your love

1920s (think Great Gatsby): You taste like laughter and plums

1930s (think every breakout of WWII movie): You taste like desire and blackberries

1950s (think young Queen Elizabeth II): You taste like melted butter (unsalted) and daphne blossoms

1960s: You taste like lemon zest and scarcely concealed passion

1980s: You taste like the dewy grass of Sussex, and maple sugar.

There.  That should help you accurately present your décolletage to the world.