Protest like a toddler

This week the President announced plans to defund Sesame Street reruns.  Not on our watch.  You just pissed off the group in America that is best qualified and most determined to protest.  A lot of Americans are new to protesting things and are reluctant to make a public scene or potentially hurt the feelings of someone they love.  This is simply not true of someone who is twenty months old.  Under Pip's loving tutelage I offer the following guide to forms of protest for the newly-engaged American.

Calm Refusal
This is always the first tier of resistance, though not necessarily the first tactic.  If someone asks you to do something and you don't want to, say no.  Say it insouciantly and cheerfully because it's more annoying but the tone can't actually be punishable because it's pleasant.  If you're not sure whether or not the request is a good idea, refuse anyway.  Someone asks you to laugh at an anti-Muslim joke? No.  The senate needs unanimous consent to proceed on debate or votes for any issue.  No.  Ha ha now four days of complex procedural crap are necessary.  Republicans in Congress have been using this tactic for eight years to general obstruction.  Patrick almost never says yes, even if he means yes.  Why negotiate from a position of weakness?

Passive Resistance
Simply do not do the thing you are ordered to do.  You don't have to say anything (though an cheerful no is still obnoxious).  If you're worried your body might accidentally obey an unconstitutional executive order, go ahead and lie down.  Last week I tried to get Pip to come with me to the next aisle in the library.  He calmly plopped down and reclined his toddler body.  "No."  Now of course I have superior force, just like the National Guard.  I can pick him up and force him to obey, but I'm pregnant and he's heavy so this is a demanding and unpleasant undertaking, and he knows it.  The government could try to force compliance, but enough people just lying around saying "no" is hard to move.

Sabotage
Nominally agree then immediately undermine.  This also works if you were forced to do something against your will.  Republicans didn't like the Affordable Care Act so they actively undermined it to make it worse.  Patrick doesn't like wearing socks but sometimes he loses.  As soon as mommy is driving she will be unable to get them back on.  Ha ha.  Oh, she put them back on because it's 40 degrees outside and so she put on the shoes? Take off the shoes and throw them.  She won't want to lose them on the walk.  Then take off your socks repeatedly.  Eventually she'll concede your right to frostbite.  If you lose one fight by executive order, just go ahead and undermine it every single chance you get.  You can break him.  Mom cares a lot about warm feet, but she eventually broke because she wanted a walk more than she wanted to fight.  Pip was not so feeble.


Shrieking tantrum
This is energy-intensive so this tactic should only be used four or five times a day at most.  If you really need the world to know that you object, you give it everything you have.  Throw your body around, cry, scream and if necessary follow your audience around and repeat the performance so they can't miss it.  Do not allow any business to proceed as normal.  Prevent conversation or action by the leader by drowning it out.  Be totally unapologetic about your tactics because you know you're right.  This week while flailing Patrick punched me in the face.  I asked him to say sorry.  He calmly said "no."  I don't suggest that you punch people.  But a good protester knows that the opposition will want you to be quiet and play nice, and if they're still suggesting you wear pants then you fight them.

Persistent Whining
Patrick has perfected a really annoying whine.  It oscillates like a fire engine siren or a yodel.  If you want to play on the big bed, you grab a grown up's finger, say "bed" twenty times or more and then make the siren-yodel so they can't think or do anything.  Be warned: They will try to distract you.  If you're upset about Trump's cabinet picks, you stick to that.  Yes, everything else he did this week was also horrible.  But you stick to your whining.  Mommy might offer you a toy, or a snack, or a view of a bird out the window.  The amateur toddler will forget about the bed.  The pro sticks to his theme.  If you didn't care that much about bed you were just bored and wanted attention, then sure give up.  But as a true protester, you're not just an activist because you had nothing else to do.  You have a cause.  And that cause is Betsy Devos is terrible/I want to jump on the bed.  Stick to it.

Live to fight another day
You can't fight every single fight.  A true toddler will likely try.  Decide which fights are worth the full body tantrum, and which simply need a "no" so mom knows who is in charge.  Millions of people aren't free to protest every weekend.  Fight the big fights tooth and nail, and settle for passively pissing the President off the rest of the time.  It won't be hard.  A toddler knows which buttons to push, and there is nothing more appealing than a button.  Luckily, our President is basically entirely made of buttons.

I took this picture of Pip the week Trump was elected.  He got right down to business.