Off hiatus

Hello blogstalkers!  I haven't blogged in nearly two years, and I set the ol' spot on private.  Somehow it didn't seem to fit my life anymore.  The old blog was about grad school, a chapter of my life that has mercifully closed.  Now I'm the new me! Except increasingly I've kinda missed ye olde blog.  I have filled the void somewhat with Facebook status updates but it isn't the same.  So I'm baaaaaack.

Did you miss the first seven years my blog existed? Here's a quick recap:

• Went to grad school.  It was really hard.  Somewhat rewarding, but mostly hard.  Ambivalent feelings about that life choice.
• Married Captain Handsome.  He files my taxes in return for sexual favors.  And meals.  And companionship. And being a team.  But my I'm confident my personal magnetism plays a big role (and the fact that we file jointly anyway).
• Started teaching.  Originally found it terrifying and a miserable slog.  Now me likey.  
• I have the world's least reliable internal plumbing.  Remember that one time I blogged about pooping in the park?  "One time?" you say. "No, I don't remember one blog post on that subject. I remember you blogging about pooping in a stranger's house so you could avoid pooping in a cemetery.  I remember the time you pooped in front of a homeless woman.  I remember the time you pooped your pants in the car.  I remember the time you invited yourself into another stranger's home to have diarrhea.  I remember the time you squatted between the highway and the river.  So I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific."   Yeah.  You're going to need to prepare yourself for poop tales.  Though I don't like to brag, but I haven't lost bowel control in over two years.

What have I been up to the last two years?

• I had a baby.  Specifically, I had the King Baby.   He is not to be trifled with.
• During pregnancy, I was the puke queen.  If Captain Handsome and I every produce another darling homunculus I am going to diligently track my vomiting in the interests of statistics.  I know I just bragged about not pooping publicly recently.  Would you like to hear some of the places I vomited?  Good! The parking lot of: Winco, Safeway, Market of Choice and Café Yumm (I'm also counting places where I emptied my puke bucket from driving).  I vomited in my car, obviously.  I kept a bucket so that if the urge came while driving I would be prepared.  But I also puked into a hastily emptied kleenex box one time.  I also puked in produce bags in the grocery store, in the grocery store bathroom, in church, during a concert in which I was performing (I managed to get out of the room but still), in the sink, the trash, the toilet, on my daphne bush (several times.)  I puked seven times on Thanksgiving.  I vomited so much I was dehydrated and weak to the point that seven up actually felt deeply nourishing because it had calories.  I puked while I was in labor.  People who say they love being pregnant are either lying or in league with the devil. The grossest things to vomit are: popcorn, rice, green onions and roughage that doesn't break down quickly.  The best thing to vomit is a fruit smoothie because it looks and tastes about the same in each direction. The best thing about vomiting is nothing.  The worst thing about vomiting is when it splatters into a toilet and splashes back up into your hair.
• I'm also teaching, but I think I'll keep that on the back burner in the interests of professionalism.  I'm super duper professional.  Like, the most professional.  I wear makeup for at least the first week of every term to set the clear tone that I am professional.