This is not going well

I really need future me to do a quick "It gets better" PSA for myself.  I know that it will get better, and fairly quickly.  But right now things are not great.  I wake up in the morning and feel completely depressed and unable to face the day.  If my children are awake but not screaming I ignore them until they are actually distressed.  It isn't that long of course -- Fred usually puts in an order for breakfast pretty insistently.  I take my medication and tell myself that suddenly I'll be doing fabulously well.

Every time I feed Fred I feel awful.  Sometimes its just fairly blue and other times it is so bad I can barely function.  I feel like a failure, like I'm an awful mother.  I don't want to feed him and feel cross that he wants to eat.  Sometimes I think about throwing myself down the stairs.  I have to remind myself that my children actually really like me and would be quite sad if I disappeared.  But sometimes I feel like I"m just everyone's meal ticket and maid and errand runner and not a person at all.

I hate having to hitch my happy face on.  It's exhausting.  Sometimes people who know I've been struggling ask if I'm doing better.  Nope.  I'm just trying to go through the motions as enthusiastically and authentically as I can manage.  I'm glad I'm pulling it off so convincingly.

I feel guilty that I didn't have this problem with Patrick in the same degree, even though none of it is my fault nor is it a reflection of feelings for one child or the other.

I often cry at the end of the day because Fred demands attention until after nine, at which point I"m so exhausted I get straight in bed.  Sometimes my little treat is when I wake up in the night and know I still get a few more hours (after feeding) to myself in my own bed with nobody touching me or talking to me or needing me to do stuff.

I am happy for parts of every day, and I am a good mom.  Patrick and I have been playing an awesome new game on my bed (allowing me to lie around as I want to) in which his playmobils colonize my pillows.  I help to make them houses out of bedding and they go in and take naps, and sometimes come out to play tag or hike mommy mountain or engage in other fun playmobil activities.  I bought Pip a balloon that has provided hours of family fun.  I bought hot dogs and so P has had is all time favorite meal (hot dogs and grapes) two nights in a row.  Is it because I can barely function? Maybe.  But he's also thrilled to pieces and that feels good.  Previously I think he thought you could only get hot dogs at the Costco kiosk -- a fancy dining experience.  But no! You can have them at home too!!!  Living the good life.

I'm also good to Fred.  Much as I hate breastfeeding I am chunking that boy up.  He weighed in at 13 pounds which is fairly hefty for a two month old.  I make sure he gets a nice clean fuzzy sleep sack to sleep in.  I let him stay up watching Grantchester with me (okay actually I have to stay up soothing his shrieking)