In which I explain that I hate being pregnant

I hate being pregnant.  I don't glow.  Adjectives that spring to mind: wan, drawn, pallid, gross, pitiable.  Today while running errands I had to vomit.  I was downtown on foot so I found some bushes behind an industrial building.  Evidently someone else - dog or human hard to tell after weeks of rain -- had used the same spot for defecation.  There I was, puking in the bushes crouched behind a pickup.  I felt bathed in a warm maternal glow of self-loathing.

Tell me more! You cry.  Two weeks ago I took P to Shopko to buy festive holiday gel clings for the windows.  When we got in the car I knew I had to puke so I drove to a more deserted part of the parking lot and heaved out my door.  I also full-on wet my pants because now that's something that happens.  I didn't leak a little.  No, I soaked my jeans.  I had to sit on one of P's sweatshirts (sorry darling) to make sure it didn't also leak into the car seat.  I'm that woman.  Soaked in urine and vomit in the Shopko parking lot.  The people behind me in the checkout line had been vocal Trump supporters, reading the National Inquirer headline as though it were cutting edge journalism and speculating about whether Mexico really would pay for the wall.  My one regret is not vomiting and peeing right there and then (though it wouldn't have been nice for the employees.)

Hey Emily, did you puke in the Costco parking lot?  Is the Pope Catholic? Of course I did!  What about in the alley behind the Catholic elementary school? You betcha!  Do you have buckets in every bathroom so you can peepuke in peace? Sure do!  Is there dried vomit crusted on the toilet lid of the guest bathroom? There is! And it will be there until I hire a cleaner or some time late next year!  Do you do a preparatory puke before going to dinner parties in the hopes of getting it out of the way so you can interact with other humans? Yes I do.  Hey, does your own saliva provoke nausea so you either have to drool on a towel or vomit? Why yes it does! Sometimes I do both, alternately!

I really need to remove the "What to Expect" app from my phone because it keeps suggesting annoying articles that provoke profanity and/or obscenity.  I realize they struggle to have nine months worth of articles when honestly there is not THAT much to be said about pregnancy.  I still feel bitter resentment toward their twee posts though.  Oh, a cute way to announce?  Here's a cute way! Tell everyone long before you really want to or feel safe doing so because you're an omni-directional spewmatron! Oh your worst symptom is boob soreness? I find I barely notice it because I'm choking on my vomit!

Here's my contribution to the "what's one thing about pregnancy that took you by surprise?" genre.  Two really.  1) Peeing my pants.  Surprise! Haven't done that in a long time.  2) Chronic sore throat.  It turns out stomach acid is hard on your esophagus and the result is a perpetual sore throat.  Who knew?

La la la la laaaaaa! Glowing like an incandescent bulb!!!!