Pip's Christmas list

Throngs of adoring fans have been clamoring to know what today's intellectually engaged toddler will be getting for Christmas.  There are only a few shopping days left but it isn't too late to make the perfect Christmas for your alert little one.  These are the gifts waiting under the tree for lil despot this yule.

Plastic Dinosaur Set: Pip has reached the developmental stage when he begins pondering the evanescent nature of existence.  If you're looking for a toy that opens up conversations about the inevitability of death and the fleeting moment that is life, look no further than dinos.  These cute lil critters will remind him that all beings, no matter how powerful, will be brought low in death.  It's also a fun way to remember that global climate crises lead to mass extinction.

Cars from the movie Cars:  These anthropomorphic machines with human eyes and automotive bodies will help your toddler confront his existential angst.  What does it mean to be human? Are we all merely mechanical objects overlain with a thin veneer of humanity?  If cars could talk, would they decry our exploitative society that relies on dehumanizing the masses that a minority may live profligately?  Your child can work out the stress of analyzing what it means to exist by crashing these fun little cars into one another on the church pew.

Playmobil Farm:  If your kid is anything like mine he loves enacting dystopian allegories with figurines.  Watch the piggies take over the farm and run the farmer family off to live in fear.  If the farm falls apart (all too common among toddler toys) your tot can have fun finding a scapegoat among the animals.  Eventually your kiddo will conclude that all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

Animals for the bathtub: We have a small red boat already, but not many critters to ride in it.  It isn't easy to contemplate man's overweening hubris by playing Titanic if you don't have a sizable number of victims to be left bobbing in the water.  The new package promises a very large population of critters without any corresponding growth in watercraft.  This enables your tot to play out any number of metaphorical applications of terrible tragedy.   Your kiddo will have fun deciding which animals are celebrities worth either saving or remembering, and which ones can be simply counted as horrifying statistics.



Christmas is a magical time.  It isn't easy to find that perfect gift, but the look of delight and the hours of play make the search for presents well worth while.  I hope I was able to help!!

In which I explain that I hate being pregnant

I hate being pregnant.  I don't glow.  Adjectives that spring to mind: wan, drawn, pallid, gross, pitiable.  Today while running errands I had to vomit.  I was downtown on foot so I found some bushes behind an industrial building.  Evidently someone else - dog or human hard to tell after weeks of rain -- had used the same spot for defecation.  There I was, puking in the bushes crouched behind a pickup.  I felt bathed in a warm maternal glow of self-loathing.

Tell me more! You cry.  Two weeks ago I took P to Shopko to buy festive holiday gel clings for the windows.  When we got in the car I knew I had to puke so I drove to a more deserted part of the parking lot and heaved out my door.  I also full-on wet my pants because now that's something that happens.  I didn't leak a little.  No, I soaked my jeans.  I had to sit on one of P's sweatshirts (sorry darling) to make sure it didn't also leak into the car seat.  I'm that woman.  Soaked in urine and vomit in the Shopko parking lot.  The people behind me in the checkout line had been vocal Trump supporters, reading the National Inquirer headline as though it were cutting edge journalism and speculating about whether Mexico really would pay for the wall.  My one regret is not vomiting and peeing right there and then (though it wouldn't have been nice for the employees.)

Hey Emily, did you puke in the Costco parking lot?  Is the Pope Catholic? Of course I did!  What about in the alley behind the Catholic elementary school? You betcha!  Do you have buckets in every bathroom so you can peepuke in peace? Sure do!  Is there dried vomit crusted on the toilet lid of the guest bathroom? There is! And it will be there until I hire a cleaner or some time late next year!  Do you do a preparatory puke before going to dinner parties in the hopes of getting it out of the way so you can interact with other humans? Yes I do.  Hey, does your own saliva provoke nausea so you either have to drool on a towel or vomit? Why yes it does! Sometimes I do both, alternately!

I really need to remove the "What to Expect" app from my phone because it keeps suggesting annoying articles that provoke profanity and/or obscenity.  I realize they struggle to have nine months worth of articles when honestly there is not THAT much to be said about pregnancy.  I still feel bitter resentment toward their twee posts though.  Oh, a cute way to announce?  Here's a cute way! Tell everyone long before you really want to or feel safe doing so because you're an omni-directional spewmatron! Oh your worst symptom is boob soreness? I find I barely notice it because I'm choking on my vomit!

Here's my contribution to the "what's one thing about pregnancy that took you by surprise?" genre.  Two really.  1) Peeing my pants.  Surprise! Haven't done that in a long time.  2) Chronic sore throat.  It turns out stomach acid is hard on your esophagus and the result is a perpetual sore throat.  Who knew?

La la la la laaaaaa! Glowing like an incandescent bulb!!!!

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like sh--

Hi bloggo world.  Why haven't I written anything in like a month?  Because I'm pregnant.  Yay! Ugh. This is the point where my blog takes a sharp turn away from witty froth toward depression.  If you know me, you know I am the puke queen.  I vomit several times a day, right through to the bitter end.  So while I'm happy to be having a baby, I'm also very happy knowing each day that passes is one more day toward my goal of never, ever being pregnant again.  Would I like a bigger family? Maybe. But psychologically I just can't do this again.  Some have insinuated that it'll be like labor, I'll forget, I'll be willing.  No, no, and no.  There are things that cannot be unseen or unfelt.

Some things are different this pregnancy.

• My aversions are possibly slightly less acute.  I still can't cook, go grocery shopping or open the fridge without holding my breath, but I can often eat food if I don't think about it and it magically appears (i.e. takeout).  
• Another thing that is different is that my mom gave me a calendar to keep track of how often I throw up.  It's sort of like an advent calendar of misery.  How many hash marks can I make today? (Three so far). Sometimes I find myself wondering whether I can count something as one or two barfs.  For example, this morning Pip had a poopy diaper, which inevitably leads to throwing up for me.  One hash mark.  Then later we went to the grocery store, another trigger, so I was dry heaving in my bucket in the parking lot and bailing it out the car door.  I hadn't eaten much so it was just saliva and gagging.  But some snotty preppy looking people walked up to the car next to me so I had to try to seem like I wasn't the grossest human in the world.    Then I got home and finished the job properly with a nice dose of bile.  Is that two pukes because of two locations? Or one because really it was all part of the same horrific nightmare? I counted it as two.  If the attacks are separated by five to ten minutes you get to count it twice.  My barf, my rules.
• Also, thanks to having already had a baby I have poor bladder control.  This means that, unlike last time, every time I vomit I also pee my pants a little.  Sometimes a lot.   It is deeply demoralizing and also generates more laundry.
• I don't cherish naive hopes about all this awfulness getting better in a month or so. 

What can I do to help? Some people say.  I don't know.  If I'm barfing at your house, be cool.  Try to pretend it isn't happening.  Maybe switch on the TV and lie to me and tell me it drowned me out (I am a loud and assertive barfer).  Let me wear your old sweatpants home if I pee my pants, then sit down on the toilet and accidentally also barf in my underwear and ultimately just have to take a shower and wear a towel around my waist in lieu of underwear and slacks (thanks, Mom).  Offer me snacks without asking me what I want, so I don't have to think about food. A nice shoulder rub.  Dramatically lower your expectations of me.  

What can you avoid doing?

• I can't tolerate the smell of onions or garlic.  Cool people keep these things to themselves.
• Don't suggest some remedy that works for people whose guts are weak-willed.  Some people have a gag reflex that will respond to such measures as mints, ginger tea, small meals throughout the day, etc. etc.  My diaphragm is powerful and firm of purpose.  All easy measures have been tried.  Medication has also proved to be a joke.  So don't tell me "if I just ate a saltine in bed I was fine." Bully for you.  My gut isn't a quitter to be put off by such things.  It will vomit and no saltine is going to stop it! En avant!
• Don't tell me how you're amazed I can do this because vomiting is so hard for you it just makes you cry and feel awful and helpless.  I feel the same way! I also cry! I have a throat that is raw, a belly that is always hungry and empty, and I'm depressed and sad!  I'm not amazing, I simply have no alternative.  I'm not going to get an abortion so there is no way out but through.
• Don't be hateful to Muslims, non-white people, women or anyone else.  This isn't really about my pregnancy but it is very hard for me to keep badgering our representatives to save America between barfing.  You can do your bit by not being a terrible human.

Fun places I've puked so far: (* denotes place I also peed my pants)

1. Albertan's bathroom*
2. Safeway bathroom*
3. Parking lot of Baja Fresh
4. Parking lot of Market of Choice
5. The student union*
6. My office bathroom*
7. The church bathroom* (Technically peed my skirt in this instance)
8. Mom's bathroom** (see above incident in which I both barfed AND peed in my underwear)
9. Mom-in-law's bathroom*
10. Friend's house meeting her boyfriend for the first time at Thanksgiving*

This wasn't funny or fun to read I'm sure.  But now you know.  Stay tuned for more fun and games from a bitter vomit-splattered hag!